A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city lawfirm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
Teacher: "How does Shakespeare make clear to us that Romeo is in love with the idea of being in love?
Student: Well, for openers, he named him Romeo.
The prospective buyer drove the used car back into the lot after taking it for a test drive. The smiling dealer greeted her as she got out of the car.
"This car," he said, "is a golden opportunity."
"Yes," she said. "I could hear it knocking during the whole drive."
Two weevils started life together. One was an immediate success; the other was a complete failure. Naturally, it became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
There are three kinds of people in this world. Those that can count, and those that can't.
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!".
A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here."
The string goes outside, ties himself up, roughs up his head and goes back in the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the same string who was just in here?"
The string answers "No, I'm a frayed knot."
If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO shoud be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
Two lawyers went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two lawyers stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says "Why? I'm a fun guy."
Your roof must be leaking. Does it always leak?
- No, only when it rains.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
As the shoe said to the hat, "You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot".
If Rene, Kelly and Sara go out for lunch, they will call each other Rene, Kelly and Sara.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
Mage: What should I give my girlfriend for unzipping?
Kevin: Ummm. Ten bucks?
Mage: No, I mean like, WinZip?
A group of children is playing outdoors.
"I have a sister and each of us has her own room," one girl says.
"I have two sisters and one brother, and each of us has a bike," a boy brags.
"Well, there are eight children in my family," another girl says, "and each one of us has his or her own father!"
- When Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply, why did the snakes disobey?
- Because they were adders.
Paul: You're welcome to stay with me overnight, but you'll have to make your own bed.
Saul: That's no problem.
Paul: OK, here's a hammer and saw.
- What is Wilt the Stilt's middle name?
- The.
(from a speech in the House of Lords)
- I challenge my generous colleague, the noble Duke, to pay his high-minded attention on the remark that has been made, if I'm not mistaken, by the noble Duke. And if my generous colleague, the noble Duke thinks more thoroughly upon the subject then on his second thoughts the respectable and Right Worthy Duke will surely come to the consideration that his profound opinion is really incompatible with the elementary truth.
First fan: Did you hear about the wrestler whose nose ran and feet smelled?
Second fan: No, what was wrong with him?
First fan: He was built upside down!
Did you hear about the kid that was so ugly his parents had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him?
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident? Now he's all right!
As the judge said to the dentist, "Do you promise to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth, so help you?"
Customer: May I try on that blue suit in the window?
Salesman: No, sir. You'll have to use the dressing room.
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